Non-Scale Victories

Today when I weighed the scale said I only have .4 pounds to lose to be in one-derland. Of course I was thrilled!! As the day went on I found myself not eating very good things. The biggest one being graham crackers with frosting in the middle!! I've been trying very hard to figure out what has caused me to gain all this weight. Yes I know eating everything in sight was what caused it, but the emotional part I've never really figured out. I sat down and started thinking back to the times when I have lost weight and tried to remember the times when I would fall off the wagon, and ultimately when the weight start to pour on for the first time. I knew I started gaining weight when I hit puberty, but it wasn't just a little bit and I ate like crap too. As I started to remember things the times I would gain were times of great stress, or when I was scared of failing. Before the age of 12-13 I was never really heavy, I was tall for my age peaking at 12 and at that time being taller than most the boys in my grade. But I wouldn't have thought of myself as big, overweight, or fat. By the time I was 13 I had put on some weight I was 150-160ish pounds and when your that age girls start being dumb and judgie. So I always thought I was so huge! That same year my grandfather who I was extremely close with, he was pretty much what I considered my dad growing up-no offense to my dad, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was very advanced and they only gave him 6 months to live. I was devastated! Thinking back I think around that time is when I started to emotional eat and take comfort in food. I also remembered from that point times where my grandma on the other side would make comments about my size, height, and overall how I looked, and how cousins of mine weren't the way I was so they were better. It really bugged me and made me so upset and sad so I would comfort myself with candy and junk food. Then I remembered being in the the 8th grade and went in for a meeting with the counselor where they map out your plan for classes and what you wanna be when you get older. I had set my classes for the next 4 year pretty high and was going to have a ton of college credits by the time I graduated. The counselor told me I was crazy and that I would never be able to do it. I was able to stick with my pan for the first few years of high school, but when I started being involved with sports I didn't stick with it and wasn't able to take the classes I wanted or didn't get the grades I wanted. I started feeling like a failure and thus once again finding comfort in food. Being involved with managing sports in high school I think helped me to lose a little weight and I really liked it. Senior year came and started with a bang our football team which I managed took state, it was the biggest highlight for me in high school!! I even got a ring:) After that things started to go down hill, my dad lost his job and when I applied to the school I wanted to go to my financial aid info. got all mixed up and they weren't able to process it in time to start in the fall. I fell to pieces after that and felt awful about my life, my self, and just me! The 20-30 pounds I lost during high school made its way back on in a few months. Then winter came and I moved out and went to school, and had amazing roommates that strived to be health and helped me so much. I moved home that summer and meet my husband after our wedding I gained about 30lbs. I decided to diet and lost that weight and then found out I was pregnant-6 months into my pregnancy I said to heck with it and ate whatever I wanted. Remembering back to all those times, I did find alot of it was I was trying to comfort myself because of certain events. I also found when I would lose weight there was something else that would happen. As I got pondering about it even more I found I would lose around 30 pounds or to around 200lbs. or alittle under and quit! I'd get to that point and start eating the ways I did before. First thing that came to my mind was I must have just felt comfortable with myself at that point. But even at 200lbs. I never thought I looked good or felt good about myself. As I dug deeper and remembering my feelings I came to the conclusion that I would quit because I thought I wouldn't get to my goals and finish the processes. So I figured I've lost this much so far its a decent amount and I look ok, so instead of working harder and proving people wrong I'll just stop now so I don't fail. This way I've lost some and look better than I did so thats good enough. As I was thinking this I realized I'm starting to kinda fall into that train of thought and becoming comfortable with myself. I'm eating things that I shouldn't be-most are still in moderation but it takes everything I have to just stop at one or a couple. And my exercising since I stopped the 30 day Shred as been horrible. I'm still losing but not really trying to. As I sat and realized this I told myself you are not going to do this again!! Stop eating all this S*I* and get yourself together. You know how people looked at you 42 pounds ago, and how horrible you felt don't go back to that. Keep moving forward you just have to lose what you already have again. You proved you can lose 42 pounds and thats all you have to lose again. Keep with it!! That was the moment I knew this time was different!! I've never pushed myself this hard, or believed in myself enough to keep with it. This time I will. There's no way I am giving up on this. I'm sure I will have other things come up about times when I gained and things I felt and did, I'll worry about those when it happens for now I am happy to have realized this and get over this hurdle. So yes I consider this a NSV! Sorry its so long! I also had another NSV today. I realized when I got out of the shower that I can actually wrap the towel all the way around me! Before I could around my chest but from there the towel just V out. Today it didn't do that it took me by surprise:) Another good note for the day, we bought another car!! I'm in love with it too. It's a 2007 white dodge caliber. That only has 45,000 miles on it and get awesome gas mileage. It has some awesome features too. It's going to be so nice to have my own car again, instead of trying to schedule walks and to go do things around my husbands crazy schedule. I know most will probably think you can walk from around your neighborhood for walks but my neighborhood creeps me out!!